How do you tell someone how much you love them? Do the loves cheapen it or even express it? I'm not sure, but I know that today I am eternally grateful for my brother and sister. I can not imagine life without them. Its not even a daily thing, its a invisible thread connecting us thing. Its not seen or tangible.

My brother was diagnosed with a serious disease for a second time. Its manageable, but scary. Terribly scary. He'll more than likely live a full life, but at these moments, these critical time-stopping moments, I realize just how much I love him and my sister. I can't explain nor describe it. But, I'm glad that I know it, that I'm conscious of it. Its no mystery to me and I don't have to wait until they are gone to awake to realize IT.

So in Internet, forever ink. I love you brother and sister. Forever and always.

Too free

I give my opinion too freely.... I should have kept my mouth closed, my thoughts to myself, but I didn't. I can only hope it will be remembered, it was only a single person's opinion and nothing more.

The Ancient Aliens show on the History Channel really pisses me off--random, I know. But the idea that only aliens could have advanced human society lacks faith in our race and culture. I mean, the concept that perhaps they were more advanced and their knowledge may have been lost doesn't sound more feasible than aliens. Heck, I would even listen to time travel more than this. I find it incredulous that there's enough "material" for a series.

Every time this show is on, and I happen upon it, I get irritated.

Waiting

Have you ever just woken up? Realized you've been waiting for something so long and realized maybe its waiting for you?

Through other circumstances, illness or more accurately, the threat of illness, of how much I want to live. No really live. Not a half life and not anyone else's life. Nor another's vision of what a life should be. And not what the media proports what the pinnacle of existence is. I finally get it.

It crossed my mind that crap it took me until I was forty to get this! But then, I got it. Now its up to me to use it.

Ever had one of those days that stunk, but when pressed its difficult to pin down why? That the feelings are easier to describe and not the how?

Had two of those back to back. If I'm honest I've had 6 years like that back to back. Since this pattern continues, I must be creating it, right? Or, perhaps I haven't learned what I am supposed to from this situation, thus it keeps presenting itself?

I don't know. All I know is how I feel--it isn't good. The joy has left me and I am exhausted. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I feel so ineffective and worn. I don't want to feel this way anymore and lost to know how to find a way out or yet another way to cope.

God help me. Help me find a way to deal with this. And a place in life where I can make a difference. Where the joy can return to my heart.

manipulation

In the presence of others, a jerk

Alone with no one, an angel

Control power, sought at work

A hand or then strangled

When?

I have to protect it

And I forget

It runs from me, slips

Lost in debt

It seeps from me, gone

I never notice it leaving

And then, all at once, done

I feel so foolish

Once again, I’m without

Days to recover begin

Desert, surrounded in drought

Denial, depression delusion

A limited supply a limited amount

When will I succumb

To the truth, unable to surmount?

Another day passes

When?