The Ancient Aliens show on the History Channel really pisses me off--random, I know. But the idea that only aliens could have advanced human society lacks faith in our race and culture. I mean, the concept that perhaps they were more advanced and their knowledge may have been lost doesn't sound more feasible than aliens. Heck, I would even listen to time travel more than this. I find it incredulous that there's enough "material" for a series.

Every time this show is on, and I happen upon it, I get irritated.

Waiting

Have you ever just woken up? Realized you've been waiting for something so long and realized maybe its waiting for you?

Through other circumstances, illness or more accurately, the threat of illness, of how much I want to live. No really live. Not a half life and not anyone else's life. Nor another's vision of what a life should be. And not what the media proports what the pinnacle of existence is. I finally get it.

It crossed my mind that crap it took me until I was forty to get this! But then, I got it. Now its up to me to use it.

Ever had one of those days that stunk, but when pressed its difficult to pin down why? That the feelings are easier to describe and not the how?

Had two of those back to back. If I'm honest I've had 6 years like that back to back. Since this pattern continues, I must be creating it, right? Or, perhaps I haven't learned what I am supposed to from this situation, thus it keeps presenting itself?

I don't know. All I know is how I feel--it isn't good. The joy has left me and I am exhausted. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I feel so ineffective and worn. I don't want to feel this way anymore and lost to know how to find a way out or yet another way to cope.

God help me. Help me find a way to deal with this. And a place in life where I can make a difference. Where the joy can return to my heart.

manipulation

In the presence of others, a jerk

Alone with no one, an angel

Control power, sought at work

A hand or then strangled